• Jasi

Self-love: Not just black or white

Updated: Apr 3, 2020

I recall the initial darkest period of my adult life between 2013 and 2015; waiting up countless nights for my then boyfriend to come home. I can also recall the feeling in my veins when I would look him in the eyes and ask where had be been all night. I knew he was being dishonest but I allowed it to continue. I remember another specific relationship I was involved in for over a year, not knowing exactly how to define it. Sleepless nights and enough tears to fill a river with only one question, “Why am I not enough”. That pain, I would not wish on my worst enemy.

As time has passed, I have become acclimated to being alone but human beings crave companionship, in general. I’m alone but never lonely. Now, I have reached a peak of happiness but the journey was not easy. Letting go is easier said than done; self love is not just black or white.

Nights were the most difficult. I was able to keep myself occupied during the day with my career and children. Once the children were asleep, I would lay in bed, toss and turn, replaying sad love songs and cry. There is no one to blame for putting myself through that turmoil but myself. I am in control of my happiness. I am in control over the behaviors I accept from others in my life.

One friend in particular, Erika, carried me during those darkest hours. Let me tell you something, a friend that can be there for you while fighting their own battles are irreplaceable. The self love was nonexistent. You cannot love someone else if you do not genuinely love yourself. In 2018, I experienced the most traumatic breakdown as a result of my divorce. I was already carrying many insecurities. I had a newborn. My pregnancy was high risk and I had an emergency cesarean. I had always been active but once those muscles were cut my body wasn’t the same. I needed healing externally and internally. I journaled my feelings and started working out. I began to crave helping others in need after being diagnosed with PTSD.

Fall In Love With Yourself First was born. We are responsible for our own happiness, not another being. When I started back dating, I had never been so bored in my life. I could play out the entire conversation before the appetizer would arrive. Chivalry and authenticity are not common in the dating world. I stopped dating men with polite conversation and started dating men with a purpose beyond getting me in bed. Why am I still single? It is not because I am a single mom to three. It is not because my block list gets longer. I am not difficult but I prefer not to waste my time in situations with no potential. Issa no for me, I’d rather sit on the couch and read a book.

I sat down to journal and jotted down everything I wanted to fix in my life. The root of my unhappiness was the lack of self love. I stopped dating, I ended commitments to focus on “Jasmin”. I had to learn who I had become post trauma. My evolution began. Suddenly, I had a voice and my tolerance level for what I accepted decreased. I spent more time alone with God in prayer. Sometimes you don’t know what to say but he knows your heart and fuels our spirit.

I recently decided to dip my toe into the dating pool. I dipped in and I’m already out! Men of substance are a rare commodity these days. If you don’t value and love yourself, flaws and all, you won’t recognize him if he were standing right in front of you, staring you in the eyes. Don’t lose your voice to conform to the demands of a man, whether he is your husband or not. Relationships won’t heal you and being single won’t kill you. Channel that energy into yourself. Don’t lose your voice to conform to the society’s expectations. Don’t sit in the tragedy that failed to align, fall in love with yourself and grab you a new sky!

Change your thoughts, change your life.

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